I downloaded an app on my phone, MyFitnessPal, so I could start tracking what I eat everyday, and how many calories I'm consuming. Needless to say, three days later I haven't even glanced at it. I decided to change my eating habits by switching my Hostess Crumbs Doughnuts to lactose free yogurt, add fruit and gluten free granola for breakfast. Next I bought items to make a wrap for lunch each day at the office. It's all sounding good right??? Overall I should've been thinking about this being a healthy decision, since those other items I was consuming weren't great for my body (internally). But do you know what I was really thinking about the whole time???? How few calories I could consume and how much weight I needed to lose.
So I have this expectation that every time I get on a "health kick", it'll come right off-and I mean I literally believe it should disappear ASAP. I end up stepping on the evil scale every morning, just to realize that it's not moved AT ALL. So then starts my thought cycle (and you can laugh, but I know I'm not the only one who battles these thoughts in my head, and I'm being extremely open here so please save your harsh comments, and I apologize for the language in the picture):
You're kidding me, all this work and nothing at all. I hate my body. I have the worst body, seriously. [Now I'm looking in the mirror]. How can anyone find all this fat attractive? How does my husband even find me attractive? [insert stomach growl]. I am such a pig, here I am trying to lose weight and my body plots against me and I constantly think about food. I am disgusting.
So that's just the beginning of it...my internal conversations don't always go like that, but I'm not lying when I say that this is how most of my mornings will start. So I go through my day, and I get back home...now it's round 2 of the internal thought battle going on in my mind...
Standing in front of the mirror, I start to pick apart everything I see: my face is too chubby. My boobs- I have elderly woman boobs-look how much they friggin sag!!! And my butt! And my pooch-my kangaroo pouch, no matter how hard I do diet or workout it never goes away. I look awful.
I'll stop there to keep your eyes from rolling out of your head. Yes, I know that by putting this out there, just how ridiculous I sound. But the mind...it can be a trap sometimes. Especially when you allow certain thoughts to dwell there. Sadly, these thoughts have dwelled for so long that it's now a "bad habit", I guess. These thoughts are so bad, I constantly worry what other girls are thinking of me. Are they sizing me up? I bet they're talking about how digusting I look in this outfit. Then, I start thinking of how much better they look and how I wish i had their body. Gracious, I even hate going out on the river because it seems that it's only the tiny girls out there. What pisses me off even more is to see these itty bitty girls downing beer like it's water-and nothing happens. While I've had to alter everything I put in my mouth just to avoid even bloating!
So I say all that to say this, I don't want to continue this way. I saw this picture on pinterest, and it really struck home with me. If I have a daughter, I don't want her to fall into my bad habits. I just want her to be healthy. I don't want to be one of those moms that are more concerned with her child's weight than anything else that is going on in my child's life. In other words, I have to get this thought process under control. I have to understand that I am in no way perfect, nor will I ever be.
We all like to think that the people who spend time working on their bodies are perfect. They work so hard on themselves to show off their work in a show, to be judged, and hopefully win an award. I give an extreme amount of credit to those people, because it takes so much determination and time! But in the end, it doesn't necessarily matter what their opinion of themselves are-it's the judges. And you may win the competition, but in the side notes, guess what, they still tell you what you're lacking. So that means, even if we put all this hard work into our bodies, our temples, we will still never acheive perfection. As much as we would like to, it's just not possible. We like to tag that word to Hollywood's most beautiful people and say that they're "perfect", but perfection constantly changes to whatever Hollywood wants it to be. Years ago a size 10 was perfect (Marilyn Monroe) and now, you're still technically fat if you're a 0 (I know, gag right?). At some point, this will click with me. I'd rather it be now than later. Because if I can't learn to accept myself for who I am, despite my flaws, then I will never allow anyone else the chance to accept me either. That includes my husband, my family, friends, and even those people I'm worrying what they're thinking of me.
Now you know one of my darkest secrets-and while some of you will only be thinking how silly, there are others who will read this and understand. Understand those nights when you search the internet of all the skinny actresses and wish to be like them; where you pick yourself apart in the mirror; where you scream obscenties at yourself-make you hate yourself because you don't look like what society tells you that you should look like. I know it seems pathetic, reading this aloud-it's disturbing that I could hate my own self so much, but then expect others to love me. Doesn't seem right does it? So it's going to be a new struggle for me, learning to stop doing that. To tell myself that I love what I see looking back at me. But I'm going to do it, if not for my sanity, but also so I can allow my relationship with my husband to be better, as well as with my family and friends. I hope those of you that are struggling with your self image/worth as well, will take time to reflect and start this new journey of self love with me.