Sunday, October 9, 2011

Love Letter

I was searching the files in my jump drive, when I came across this letter I had typed to Matthew (and myself) back in early 2008. I wanted to share it, because I had explored the definition of "I love you". I didn't alter my typos in order to capture the "realness". I hope you can get something out of this, and can feel inspired to not give up on love.

“Love is not a maybe thing.”-Lauren, The Hills

I love you…. three little words that can change a person’s life. I love you is often thrown around carelessly and hardly taken literally anymore. It has more definitions now than it did when it just meant, “I love you”
It’s meaning can range from the friend/brotherly love, the family love, and then the hopelessly carelessly love that makes you so weak to your knees sick love.

I love you has become a weapon to break hearts so people get what they want when they want. It has become an expression that many fear to hear or even say. And I ask myself…when did it get to that point. Why did people have to take something so beautiful and make it into something people are scared of?

I love you was something I heard often from my family. My grandfather never told my mother that he loved her, so she always made it a point to let us know she loved us. And that habit has rubbed off onto me. I tell my special friends who hold a very dear place in my heart that I love them and of course I make sure to tell my family I love them every time I speak with them.

Then the day came when I heard I love you from my first serious boyfriend. Which at that time in my life was the most awesome thing that could’ve happened to me. Little did I know I would get to experience the “other” meaning of “I love you”

I learned that I love you was not something as meaningful and beautiful as I was taught. I learned that I love you was said to get what you want when you wanted. It was a trap-an awful trap that I fell for every time.

But, the heartbreaking day came when I realized I hadn’t really been loved but used. Which of course is the most awful feeling in the world. And from that point on, I really didn’t think there was anything other than the love I had between my friends and family.

I tried to find someone who would fit my definition of I love you, but the only thing was- I lowered my standards thinking that the standards would eventually be met IF that relationship lasted long enough. But much to my disappointment, it became one failed relationship after another. And to my dismay, “I love you” became a history I thought I would never be able to experience with someone who wanted to experience it with me as well.

It only took 2 years and eight months (and of heartaches later) to run into someone who wanted to make that experience happen and of course we both didn’t know it at the time.
From the very first night that we talked, he made such an impression on me that I couldn’t get him out of my head. I was so impatient waiting on him to call or send me a message just so that I could get to know him better or just be around him.
I hadn’t felt this way…well never about someone. It just caught me off-guard because I had not been looking for anyone. I was just being myself-my goofy self (which is something I hadn’t done with anyone else) and then a wonderful thing happened. I met this amazing young man who shared my passion about several things and even better met every single standard I had set. I had no reason to lower my standards. Granted I had my guard up for a long time before I let him completely see me, but when I did our relationship grew so much and so fast that even now almost a year later I can’t believe that God has brought him into my life. I want to spend every waking moment with him, to give him everything I am. He is my other half, my best friend, my love, the one I can finally say those three beautiful words to.
Of course I waited for a long time before I even had the courage to say “I love you” but I was so excited to hear and feel the same thing from him.
And I’ll admit we have some rough patches-sometimes more than we want, but it only grows us stronger and helps us to learn about our relationship even more.  We are a very strong, passionate, and loving couple. I don’t know what I would do without him, better yet I wouldn’t know who I would be without him. Even though I knew who I was before he was brought into my life, he helped to bring me to a deeper level of knowing myself than I could have imagined. We’ve discovered so much about ourselves, because of who we are together and it is the most awesome experience ever. I can’t wait to share the rest of my life with him. I can’t wait to experience the rest of our lives together. To experience all the world has to offer. I love him and I’m so proud to say it. I love you Matthew George Crowson.

And I still love you Matthew...God only knows what else we can accomplish together (if we don't kill each other first lol).

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